I am the greatest wingman ever!!

A girl walks in dressed to the nines. She loudly proclaims 'It's my birthday wooooo!' She has two guys with her - an Abercrombie and Fitch type and a Vanilla Ice wannabe. We'll call them the Bearded Guy and Ice Ice Baby. So bearded guy orders TWO shots, he's very emphatic about it. I didn't catch on and brought 3 but explained I was only going to charge him for two (I didn't want anyone to be left out). Who doesn't like a free shot for their party? But he doesn't seem happy about it.

One time as I'm walking by I hear Bearded Guy say "DUDE, why are you even here?" and Ice says "Don't worry 'bout me, worry 'bout yo girl." and I finally figure out they aren't friends, they are competing over the drunk girl. Well this is easy, bearded guy has an $80 check and is taking care of the girl while Ice Ice Baby is sticking to water. Plus I don't like homey wanna-be's. When Bearded Guy gets up to go to the bathroom I get the story from him. He met the girl at the club and Ice kept staring at them. When they left to come to my place Ice just followed them and attached himself to their party.

I tell him to leave it to me. I call security and tell them we have someone hanging out not buying anything and annoying other guests. Happens all the time, no big deal, they just come tell him to hang out somewhere else. But for whatever reason 4 security guards show up with 2 Las Vegas Metro police officers (slow night I guess)....and they were all gung-ho to haul this guy off. I tell them don't arrest him or anything just get him out of here, please don't even trespass him. They quietly pull him away so the couple doesn't even notice. He has his back to the wall with 6 guys haranguing him and it turns out he got out of jail the night before. But he's free to go and as he is leaving he gets his strut back and yells over to the girl before noticing she is now making out with bearded guy. Ahhh, I created a happy couple!

Then guy #3 comes in and tells birthday girl "Get up, we're leaving." Drunk birthday girl turns around and goes "Hiiii Daddyyyy!" Bearded guy stands up, takes his hand off her chest, and starts stammering. Drunk girl tries to insist she's fine at the bar at 5am with this stranger. Daddy won't take no for an answer, she is coming back up to the room, he's been searching the bars since 4am for his drunk daughter. Bearded Guy yells for a pen and hurries and scribbles his number so she can text him the next day.

Be nice to your bartender. How many wing men would have your competition escorted out by Metro?

Some tips for doing Las Vegas on the cheap

Set a budget for gambling. Don't go over it, and don't waste it all your first day. A blackjack table can empty you of your money within minutes. Craps is even worse. Bet on a football game, it gives you hours of entertainment with an exact limit to what you spend. Pai Gow is the best table game to play for hours, the nature of the game means you push half the time.

Look for the plenty of free things to do. Plan an event every night. Club night one night, dinner and a show, walk the Strip. For your walk the strip night I suggest you start at Bellagio and see the free fountains. The walk two hotels down to Mirage and watch the free volcano. Walk across the street to a little dive casino called Casino Royale. Get dollar margaritas and play some dollar roulette. Then walk down to Treasure Island and watch the free pirate show. This lets you walk the strip, gamble, drink, and people watch for very little money and in one night.

Don't come out on the obvious holidays. 4th of July, New Years Eve, boxing match nights. The room rates are sky high, you can't get into any clubs and it takes forever to get anywhere. Come in mid-week and you can skip the 3 hour line to get into the best clubs.

Drinking can destroy a budget in no time. My girlfriend and I wandered in to Bellagio when we first moved here just to see what it was like and to get a drink. After ordering two Long Island Iced Teas I received a $50 bar tab. I learned that a flask is your best friend. Your first night make a trip to the store, taxi cab if you have to. Get cases of beer and bottles of liquor along with food. Get your drink on before you go out. You can still get a drink where ever you go, but doing 3 rounds of shots at a night club can cost you $300 for $15 worth of liquor.

Nap on a stool

The manager is walking through our private dining room early in the morning. This room has an 18-person table and is surrounded by red wine racks. We have stools in between the racks to reach the top wines. A guy is passed out sitting on one of these very short stools with a napkin for a blanket. He wandered in the back door of the restaurant and decided to take a nap. The manager actually snapped a picture before calling security, wish I had that one.